It’s a big holiday, and everyone in your family is probably trying to one-up each other. Avoiding family drama during Thanksgiving dinner is like attempting to eat turkey without spilling the gravy on your shirt – inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be a total loss.
This Thanksgiving, try to avoid family drama by being the bigger person. You can’t control your relatives or how they behave, but you can control how you react to them. Your reactions stem from your mindset – your view of how things are and should be. So if last year was a disaster, and you want this year to be different, you need to adjust your mindset.
Here are 3 things you can do to prepare yourself for the big family dinner:
1. Remember that it’s not about you.
Family drama. We’ve all experienced it in some form, whether it’s between siblings, parents, or spouses. It’s ugly, hurtful, and, at times, very damaging to our relationships. But the family drama doesn’t have to ruin everything. In fact, if you’re willing to step back and view it as simply another form of communication, you can learn how to diffuse a situation and move forward stronger.
If we allow ourselves to be consumed by the drama, we lose sight of what’s really going on. I always tell my clients, “It’s not about you. It’s not. If someone’s upset, it’s not about you. It’s about their hurt.”
This is a hard concept for many people to grasp. We often think, ‘If I don’t like this, then it must be about me. I must be the problem.’ But we often forget that other people have their own issues going on as well — their own personal drama, so to speak.
So what do you do when your family drama needs to stop? Step back. The first step in diffusing family drama is to step back and take a moment to assess the situation.
What’s going on? What’s really going on? Then ask yourself, “What do I want out of this?”
Is it time for an intervention? Is someone being hurt? Does someone need a break? Remember, it’s not about you.
2. Don’t take the bait.
Tough conversations happen. Family members can be rude or say mean things. When they do, sometimes it’s tempting to snap back. But it’s important to remember that these conversations are not personal.
The main thing is to keep cool. Getting defensive or upset will only make the conversation more tense and confrontational. Instead, keep things as neutral as possible. Focus on the issues, not the character of the person. Say something like, ‘I’ve noticed that you seem upset at ________. What happened?'”
When people are trying to criticize us, we tend to get defensive. But if we instead focus on the issue, rather than the person, we can defuse the tension. That doesn’t mean being passive and letting people walk all over you. It does mean not reacting in anger or getting defensive. Keep a cool head, and focus on the issues, not the person.
3. Tame your inner critic.
How we talk to ourselves can have a real impact on our relationships. When your inner critic goes into overdrive, it can leave you feeling awful about yourself, and, in turn, those you care about.
How do you tame your inner critic?
The first step is to give yourself some love. You can’t change other people’s bad behavior, but you can change how you react to it.
This starts with recognizing that your inner critic is a friend, not an enemy. When you recognize your inner critic for what it is — an internalized voice or voice in your head — it becomes easier to manage. While it may not feel great to listen to your inner critic, you have the power to change it. Here’s how:
Acknowledge your inner critic. The first step is to acknowledge the voice. You may not like or agree with it, but that’s OK. Acknowledge that it’s a personal issue that isn’t anyone else’s problem.
Understand your inner critic. When you understand your inner critic, you can start to listen to it. Your inner critic is trying to keep you safe. It’s usually trying to get you out of trouble.
Find a balance between listening to your inner critic and letting it control you. When you listen to it, it can teach you something about yourself. It will affect the way you deal with your family members and society as a whole.
You can be the difference
Even the best of families go through hard times and in those painful moments, it can be hard to think clearly. Follow the tips above and reframe your mindset well before the big holiday. See how little changes in the way you think and in the way you perceive yourself can help create a Thanksgiving dinner filled with love and lots of laughter.
